4/30/2016 10:37:00 AM

The feeling of a sword embedded at your heart,
has made you begging for King Arthur to pull it out.
With blood streamed swiftly until it’s drained.
As you gasped for air due to pain.
And you cried no more when you died.

You were buried
in the deep deep rain.
A flower grew upon you.
One by one emerged 'til a garden showed its face. 
And other people smile seeing what became of it.

-- Inspiration

(Depok, April 30th 2016)

Such A Puzzled Human Being

4/24/2016 02:22:00 AM
It's dumb.
You think you are wise
when you are the exact opposite.
Or you're overthinking
almost everything 'til your head burst.

It hurts.
The pain on your thumping head
in the middle of the night.
But you are still inquiring,
you are still questioning.

But you are still in doubt.
You're still a puzzled person
who questioned everything.
You are incorrigibly,


(Jakarta, April 13th 2016)

Fangirling is Nice

4/24/2016 02:21:00 AM
People often see fangirls as somewhat annoying people who were crazed over someone famous. They screamed over a boyband or someone so handsome that I'll cut my vein handsome and watch their concert every single time. Well, we are actually just a bunch of people who has an admiration to someone or something that we thought is fascinating. Excessive fangirling may turned into an unhealthy obsession that can be scary yet fangirling itself has some bright sides too from my experience (caution: this is going to be a long post).

Fangirling is the one who taught me how to write. I'll explain it by giving you a glimpse of my first period of fangirling in a community. In my junior high school years I'm in love with a musical theatre group consists of a bunch of theatre student from University of Michigan called Team Starkid. They are the one who produced A Very Potter Musical that is available on YouTube. The show is very witty and creative, you can watch it for yourself. Although the casts are talented and popular, they are very down to earth. My favorite cast is Joe Walker, because who doesn't pine over a shirtless Voldemort. And the soundtrack which is written by Darren Criss can get stuck in your head for months. 

They produced one show a year and I watched it everyday until I felt it was not enough. Then, I began to read fanfiction about Team Starkid and their shows too. Until one day, I was inspired to write one. You know when you're in admiration with someone or something you often build a whole scenario of what-could-be on your head. So, I wrote a fanfiction about the relationship between a theatre student named Dianna who has a troubled past and Joe Walker. It's a romance slash musical fanfiction because I added musical numbers and references in between. Turned out it's such a disaster. 

I'm still in junior high school and what to expect of my freaking grammar. I decided to hire someone to proofread my dumb fanfiction without any fee. Fortunately, I was active on Team StarKid community as the admin of Team StarKid Indonesia and I met this girl from Scotland that I used to fangirl with. I asked her to proofread my fanfiction and add some ideas. Then, my story was published and surprisingly it had a lot of review and follower begging for more chapter. They thought the story was very good and spicy that they couldn't put it down. I was so energised by the comment of people who were excited to read what I write. I was flattered 'til today I read back the story and damn what the hell was that. Mary Sue here and there, Gary Sue everywhere too, I'm shocked how this story can get that much attention.

It's a turning point for me, writing a fanfiction. I was so excited in learning to improve my writing, because fanfiction demanded me to write better, to read as a writer and to find my own voice as a narrator. It's not an easy thing to do, I admit, but still it's like a writing exercise but in a lot more fun way. Not so long ago, I repented by writing a better story about my favorite couple from Once Upon a Time--a TV show about fairytale characters trapped in an enchanted town--Emma Swan and Captain Hook. You know, as a fan, we have a lot of fan theory about their relationship journey. I adapted their story with the original creepy The Snow Queen story, the eerie truth about Neverland, hire a beta-reader to proofread my story, I was so convinced that this story was going to be a hit. Yet the reviewer never got more than twenty like my old fanfiction. Then life happened and the stories are unfinished 'til now.

Other than making me more excited in writing, fangirling also boosted me to read. To write a story, we must do a research to avoid the nonsense. I usually did my research reading related articles or stories. In the end, yes it was all based on our imagination, but still I'm trying to write a real life here, right? So, research is a must sometimes. And to read another fanfiction too because a one-episode-a-week show is just not enough.

Fangirling taught me how to design by making fanpic. In my high school years, I was active in Tumblr community. I reblog fandom-related or minimal fashion related. Until one day I realized I wasn't productive doing this and decided to make some designs about my fandoms (basically Doctor Who, Game of Thrones, Sherlock, Twin Peaks, and many more). I asked my high school friend turned university friend, Gladyz, to teach me how to make the famous tumblr gif with photoshop. Then I learned designing a poster with photoshop by tutorials on Tumblr too. People reblogged and loved my works and again, it has made me excited to make more of them. My most liked work is a gif quoting the Dread Pirate Roberts from a cult classic film, The Princess Bride, which got more than 10.000 reblogs and likes. And then, reality happened and I'm not that active in Tumblr community again.

Fangirling also taught me how to edit a video or in fandom called vidding. Remember those days when I was so in desperate need to see Captain Hook and Emma Swan's lips locked together on screen, or just to see their swoony eyes gazed at each other which didn't freaking happened on Once Upon a Time 'til  season *spoiler*. In the meantime, I liked to watch their interaction put in somewhat order according to a song that was related to their story called fanvids. While watching them, I got a lot of idea on how I'd like to watch fanvid as a fan. Then I decided to make one using Sony Vegas by putting their interactions that was cut from the episode together according to the story of a fitted song.
I used past tense in this post because it happened in the past, not because I used to be a fangirl. I don't know if I'm still an active fangirl or not, but what I know in the end is fangirling taught me to be creative; to create a work that no thousands of fangirls or fanboys ever created yet they also like, to get to know someone across the oceans and continents, to improve ourselves by learning and doing new things, to be in love with something with an open mind and open heart, that makes us sincere to do everything. 

To Someone That Got Away

4/12/2016 01:35:00 AM
You are gone. You are gone from the central part of my mind, from the current chatlist on my phone, from my fulfilling babbling that I put on the net, from my favorite contact list because I used to call you every time the moon and stars show their face to us.

But you are not gone from my memories. The image of your smile is still etched in the deepest corner of my cerebrum that holds the entire being of what I learned in life, your contorted face looking at my foolishness still makes me beam with joy, your laugh at my ludicrous jokes still haunts me because I know sometimes I'm not that funny.

Your contact is not gone from my phone too. The call button on it are tempting me. I want to hear you speaking again when everyone is already tired to speak or even wake up. Or to see your name popped out from my very top chatlist again every time I look at it. Although it's started with celebrating the annual event or just a simple 'hi'.

You are happy with me gone, perhaps. Without me in your days talking with your spirit. You've already found the substitute to occupy your life, perhaps. I hope it makes you happy in the way I couldn't do. Or it cherishes your presence as much or more than I enjoy looking and being with you. I hope it holds you tightly not in the way I miserably did. Well, I've already found the substitute to fill up my mundane life too.  Or I think I did.

Perhaps it's for the best that you're gone. We are too defective to ever existed with contravened promises, with dropped tears produced by lachrymation down on our cheeks, with firm silence that I couldn't break. Already too much sacrifice has happened that making us this weak.

It's sad that you're already gone, when I want to tell you that I dream of you more often than I don't. And left me longing with your touch every time it happened. When I want to put my head on your shoulder just to hear the beating of your heart when we're not an inch apart. When I want to cupped your cheek and look at you in the eyes as I narrate you unimaginable things that would make you smile.

I begged God to help me making you truly gone. Unlike what Mr. Rochester from Jane Eyre said, I want the string that tightly knotted and connected my left rib to yours snapped even though I bleed inwardly afterwards. I'm not frightened to face the agony, let it come along and wash me over. Until I'm healed with time or morphine in disguise of someone.

Sad songs on the radio are gone now. Puffy eyes are making us sleepy. We should've known that better than anyone. I haven't heard your voice, neither did you. We should've get used to that sooner than anyone. Greetings from you to visit the dreamland are gone too. And we should've get used to that too be replaced by anyone.

-- Gone.

(Inspired by individuals who can't move on from their past. It's obviously better to let go and move on, sometimes. Especially if you want to experience a whole new thing. But not often that feeling can be beautifully bittersweet too.)