Dream Role

12/12/2016 12:00:00 AM
A couple of new things has happened this month. Mostly about posing like other people for entertainment purposes, a.k.a. acting. Acting in a dramatic short film made by my broadcasting senior and singing, dancing and acting in a musical number. I joined a workshop held by one of musical theatre communities in Jakarta that you can see the result here.

Performing arts has been on my interest since the first time I was able to sing "Do Re Mi" from The Sound of Music. Remember how I used to beg my mother to put the VCD back on track when I was little because I long to rewatch the musical again and again (I once wrote my love for musicals in 'I'm Addicted' series posts). When I tried acting for the first time and turned out it's enjoyable, somehow I always knew this is something that I want to put my mind and effort to it.

Speaking of acting, there must be roles that we must play. You mustn't relate to the role, but it helps for a beginner like me if I can relate to it. However, in the future I want to play a character that out of my comfort zone or my personality to challenge my skill, it's in the long run. I want to share my six dream roles that I dreamed to play someday (couldn't put it all because this would be a very long post). 

1. Penny Lou Pingleton from Hairspray
Speaking of Hairpspray, have you watched the NBC Live Musical just a couple of days ago? It's a good one, aye? I've watched the original movie, broadway musical, movie musical (with our childhood crush, Zac Efron) and the live television version, somehow I'm interested in playing Penny Lou, the best friend of Tracy Turnblad. A girl who is trapped by her mother to be just a good girl who weren't let to join the talent show. "I'm now a checkboard chick!"

2. Tuptim from The King and I
A tragic slave who was brought from Burma to be one of the King's junior wives. However, there was a Burmese scholar named Lun Tha who is deeply in love with her. What I like about this character is that she doesn't give up that easily on the person she loves. Even if she was forced to live in the castle and married to the King, she still fights for her love of Lun Tha, and likewise. Plus, who doesn't want to sing "I Have Dreamed" number in the moonlight? "I have dreamed every word you whisper."

3. Eponine Thénardier from Les Miserablés
The more tragic character from a famous musical, Èponine is a ragged child in the street of Paris. She fell in love with her childhood friend, Marius who's in love with someone else. She is also someone who would fight for the person she loves even though he doesn't feel the same, until the very end of her life. "You're here, that's all I need to know."

4. Belle from Beauty and the Beast
A role that I relate most from our hobbies of reading books and wanting to live more adventurous (and somehow our name is similar). This is also the very first broadway musical that I watched live and the person in the photo is the one who played Belle there, Hilary Maiberger. "I want much more than this provincial life."

5. Betty Rizzo from Grease
Rizzo is a character that I'm interested due to challenge myself and the peculiar character it is. She is tough and sarcastic leader of the most popular girl gang in school, Pink Ladies. She smokes, drinks, and does not care what others think of her. "I could flirt with all the guys smile at them and bat my eyes."

6. Yitzhak from Hedwig and the Angry Inch
The legendary role of playing reverse the gender, Yitzhak is an illegal immigrant from Croatia. He used to be a drag queen until he fell in love with Hedwig. Due to his popularity that clouded Hedwig's, he was forbidden to be a drag and recruited to be a backing singer of Hedwig instead. The role is played by women for musicality purposes (and perhaps the irony). "The love that had me in your grip was just a long, long grift."

Honorable dream role mentions: Mimi from Rent, Julie Jordan from Carousel, Princess Jasmine from Aladdin, Liesel von Trapp from The Sound of Music, Elphaba from Wicked (duh).

Breaking News

12/08/2016 01:15:00 AM
The blast of her existence will be on every headline
I've encountered on the road home or when I was
out with friends and family.

The thing that could hold my breath for a while and
sigh in relief, to know someone who could do
better than myself.

Stay, that's all I can say to her. In the sky full
of pollution and corruption, she won't see moon and
stars. But she will see them deep in your eyes.

In the noisy street full of traffic jams and garbage,
she won't hear soothes and good news. But she will
hear them if she listens close enough to your heartbeat.

She is a bandage of something that was broken
to pieces inside. And I am the one who dropped it
from the top of Mount Everest.

Then Elda exclaimed...

"...You've found a new home,
And I should be happy."

Two Sides of a Mirror

11/28/2016 02:54:00 PM
It's almost every girl's dream
to have the experience of becoming a real-life princess. Whether it's the one with the golden long hair, the one with the beauty of all the realm, or the one with the glass slipper.
Little do they know,
there's always something more than meets the eye.
Whether it's the feeling of trapped in the lanky tower,
the abhorrent poisoned apple that made her unconscious,
or the will of leaving a dearest one in a heavenly night

when the clock strikes twelve.

The Hole (2)

11/18/2016 10:35:00 PM
It's my fault,
I lost grip of the rope too easily
and I fell hard,
the ropes were broken,
and I couldn't get back up again.

You were out of the hole
not with the rope,
but with the ladder,
teach me how to climb or lend it to me,
so, I could get back up that easily.


11/05/2016 07:59:00 PM
“Where is the mainland?” she asked. She was flailing uncontrollably in the middle of the sea. Screaming for aid and gasping for air. Alas, there were not any animal with a brain and a heart visible there.

She was suffocating. Trying to swim with nowhere to go but following the flow. “How much longer could I survive?” she wondered. Her pounding heart felt like in a rock concert instead. Her sight was blurry with the water that finished her off.

“Breathe.” she started to comfort her soul in the midst of panic, “But I’m starting to lose faith.” She cried. Louder than before if she ever cried back then. Still, not a salvation ever came up.

The pain was the worst of all, washing all over her body. She wondered maybe all of this was her karma. Maybe, this was what hell feels like. Then she realized, “But I’m still alive.” At least her heart was still pounding, her pain can be felt with precise, and her consciousness was still there. She’s still human.

She expanded her arms, as long as it could achieve. Her eyes were shut. “Breathe.” She said again to herself. She swung her hands strongly, hoofing the hard waves. “Breathe, and go.”

A Door

10/29/2016 02:02:00 AM
Knock, knock,
Who is there?
Aherd who?
A herd you were lovely, so I came over.

Knock, knock,
Who's there now?
Orange? What orange?
Orange you going to let me into your mind?

Knock, knock,
For the last time, who's there?
I don't have a needle, get out.
Needle little help gettin’ in your heart.

Knock, knock,
What now?
Ketchup as in Pulp Fiction or who?
Ketchup with me and I’ll tell you.

Sunglasses and the Dark Stairs

10/26/2016 02:29:00 AM
The clock's ringing bleakly,
telling you it's the middle of the night.
You walk down the stairs in the dark,
quiet and desolate.

A sunglasses hanged in your pale nose,
but you still decided to come downstairs.
Although you know you need concentration,
that sunglasses still plastered firmly there.

You fell hard,
and took the darkness to blame. 
Alas, you blamed the situation,
when the fault is the man in the mirror.

Whereas you can stop the fall,
when you leave that sunglasses to rot,
when you can walk down carefully,
in the clear sight of your eyes in the murk.

I wish you can see clear as crystal,
that there is a rift waiting for you to claw.
That illuminate your way through the darkness,
without you wearing the sunglasses.

Please, take away that sunglasses for awhile,
and let the silver lining guides you.
Walk down slowly, carefully,
because you are porcelain worth all the currencies.


10/09/2016 11:16:00 PM
I am nothing, but
a tiger in the form of a cat,
a razor in disguise of a candy,
a wit in acting of lunacy,
a cumulonimbus in the shadow of a sun,
a jack-the-ripper in the mask of a pygmalion.

I am a grenade waiting to explode when your wolf teeth reaches me.
Then, I could smack the fangs out of you, if you ever dare to hurt me.
Pardon me, but it is a normal act as defensive as mortal can be.

Try to Remember the Kind of September

10/02/2016 12:12:00 AM

"Try to remember the kind of September,
When life was slow and oh, so mellow,
Try to remember the kind of September,
When grass was green and grain was yellow."

The September is just gone, just like that.
It's honestly a sorrowful departing from a month that somehow always makes me tingle when I hear its name. Not only because I became older every the end of September, but many things happened in September, distinctive atmosphere is also felt in this particular month.

And yet I parted again with it, together with me being officially a year older.
However, don't forget to remember that in this particular day, marked fifty-one years since the Thirtieth of September Movement, the incident that sparked new order era in Indonesia.

Don't forget too that it's also seventy-eight years since Treaty of Munich was signed by Hitler, Mussolini, Daladier, and Chamberlain, that forced Czechoslovakia to give territory to Germany. And it's also 225 years since Mozart's opera "Magic Flute" was premiered in Vienna.

So many things can happen on every single date that this world could count for us. As many as the things that we could do in every day of our lifetime, so cherish and seize it according to your sincere definition of meaningful. And yes, do it with sincerity too.

Like someone's saying yesterday, which convinced me words can stupefy people in instant, your sincerity won't only be wasted on the river. Much longer it would be the seed for other sincerity in tomorrow's sun. And that's what I'd hope in later days, to be more sincere and wiser in my days doing what I'd say as meaningful things. So I could remember those days like when grass was green and grain was yellow. And make them see their days the same way too.


9/26/2016 10:38:00 PM
My thigh got blistered by a straightener last week. It hurts at first. However, it didn't show any color or swell, just a bit hot and smarting. I quickly wore my favorite shirt and trouser and rocked the day like I don't have an accident that morning.

Until one day I looked at my thigh by chance. There was a long fine line of the wound. The fibrin fiber was already turned brown-ish, it was horrid. I let it dry to make new healthy epidermis again. I gave it petroleum balm every night, but still, it looked the same.

The wound dried and peeled off as time goes. No matter how much and often I gave it ointments, the mark still remains.

Perhaps, the same case will go to every imaginable wound you've ever known. The one that makes you cry under the moonlight when you hear a name or a picture, or the other that puts you wide awake in the morning when the rooster crows. It was invisible at first, without us knowing anything about the wound. Then it goes very painful and dreadful when you finally realized it. However, put on a luxurious clothing or mask, then you'll be fine spending the day.

But no matter how much you put an effort to make it well again, the mark remains. Maybe time (and effort) will make it fade. Yeah, time, plenty of it or just a split second, who knows.


The Hole

9/19/2016 01:55:00 AM
I'm afraid.
Afraid to look at holes
right in front of my eyes.
Stood firmly there
waiting for my gaze.

Because the more I look to it,
and to the beauty inside of it,
the more I will fall,
deeply, harder,
and couldn't get back up.


The Prince

9/19/2016 01:55:00 AM
All my life I've waited for this moment,
for all tally marks in my book,
for all the night I pray in my dishabille,
I can see his handsome face from hence.

He brought his rectitude as a man,
as he hooked my hand to his.
I was sure not pretty well over the bay like the Sawney,
but it feels like we dance to the limit of the sky.

We walked through the plash
in the narrow road after the rain.
The moonlight made my dress looked even comelier,
and I relished him being here as much as him to me.

Perchance, it was something in the train,
that after the other day his rectitude was gone.
It was substituted by pusillanimity instead
with all of his tattle and obloquy of some people or me.

Was it me that raised his ideas to be a wanton,
or is he really a shoat?
That made us end up in a terrible chafe,
which I kept to defend myself despite his wiseacre.

The air was filled with peevishness that day.
My feeling was insipid as my morning coffee.
He finally said, don't go from my gripe,
but be that as it would, I was shy of trusting him.

That gripe that he put on me,
with a kiss that he inveigled on me,
have proved that he isn't a shoat, indeed.
Because at length he is turned into a frog.

--Unlike Fairytale: The Prince and the Frog

(Decided to make another poetry series to diverse the genre, set in the 19th century btw)


A Letter

7/16/2016 09:47:00 PM
Dear Friend,

This morning I ran through the messages that I got.
I had the phone in my hand,
the only equipment needed.
Trembling, I found the box
that was visibly seen your name.
And oh, my dear friend, there you were.
I took you out, held you in my hand and look at you for moment.
Then I sat down, gently opened you
and read you.

(Inspired by She Loves Me script.)


7/07/2016 01:32:00 AM
Two minutes to the end of the first day of Eid Mubarak. The start of people copy-pasted a broadcast message to everyone on the friend list. I was opening my twitter page when I realized the veracity of my tweet based on experience that says, "Because forgiveness is a certainty, but forgetting is a different matter."

As Eid Al-Fitr days come, people are flocking to apologize to almost everyone that knows them. As if apologize is something obligatory to do and saying that has become very elementary. When the fact is apologizing in general is something that can be hard to some people. When they have to put aside their ego, their pride, to make amend of something that they did.

However, I'm not saying that apologizing is not important in these holy days. Apologizing and forgiving are needed to ease the relationship in turmoil. Not only to the relationship itself, but also to our peaceful and serene heart. Despite the fact that apologizing is indeed can be hard, forgiving on the other hand is pretty harder. We may say it easily that we forgive someone that has disappointed or hurt us. However, it takes process and time to forgive someone to the step that we stop bringing that briefcase in our life, or by other means forgetting them.

To forget means that we erase that part of something hurtful from history in order to move on, but that doesn't mean that we pardon it. We just want to eliminate the memory of someone hurting us. But after a while of forgetting in silence, it's also an act of forgiving. The irony, to forgive does not equals to forget. Let say that we forgive someone, but not often deep down we recall the memory of him crushing our heart with a hammer that the bruise is still lingered after all this time, so does the pain. Or the anger of someone who has disappointed us is still haunting, smashing down the wall of forgiveness that we just said. This is not healthy but this is what could happen to us as a human, that we can be full of undetected grudge.

I agree though with the saying "Forgive but don't forget." Not that I do support holding grudges but rather than forgetting, why don't we see the mistake not for what it actually is but as a lesson. We may forget the emotion that we feel towards the mistake, but not the moment, because it is what teaches us something. It'll happen when we no longer bring up, blaming someone or the situation that makes us hurt. Then we become grateful for everything that has happened. When we see it as a lesson, we also could prevent the same mistake to happen again. Like the quote from Paulo Coelho, the writer of one of my all time favorite books, The Alchemist that says:

“Forgive but do not forget, or you will be hurt again. 
Forgiving changes the perspectives. 
Forgetting loses the lesson.”

Forgiving is hard, moreover forgetting. However, rather than forgetting, lets change our perspective instead. If you feel like you don't do anything wrong to take a lesson from someone's mistake, maybe the lesson for you is to be a better person. Because you know what they say about the better people, they always rises up. It's hard too, everything related to forgiving is hard, I suppose, but believe me; it's not impossible. Starting with our own intention to make it happen, no matter how long it would take. Because time does not heal all wounds, it's what we do with time that does.

Lesson Learned: Part One

7/01/2016 09:29:00 PM
Looking back to this month last year, I was working my arse off for university test. Like any other high school senior, we all yearn to enroll to one of the best university in Indonesia (name it: University of Indonesia, Gadjah Mada University, Bandung Institute of Technology, so on). The struggle for all of the senior year student is real, they studied in courses by morning and private tutoring by night, or the reverse. It was all to get the education we think we deserve to be successful people. Though indeed, I believe it's just one of the many reasons, not the only reason.

It has been almost a year of my study on communication science in one of the best university this country could offer. Through this year I learned not only the models of communication, but also more about life. Starting with living alone, stepping out of my comfort zone, pushing myself to the limit and meeting a lot of people. And frankly, this all not loved at first sight.

Although the distance between Depok and my home is not that far, I chose to live in a boarding house due to many reasons. Departed from my safe haven and my family is the strangest yet thrilling step that I did this year. I learned to do things, calm my anxiety, and solve my problem all by myself, et cetera. Whew, that girl truly has a lot on her plate. Indeed, it was a lot to take in at the first week of living alone. I was contacting my family all day, telling them I'm scared and I miss them badly. It was a depressing moment, feeling very lonely and didn't have anyone to care for me. And that is utterly wrong, this is me getting the real meaning of a friend. Living alone doesn't mean literally you live alone without communication or help from anyone. Through my high school friend, I know someone who also lived near my place. I get acquainted with her and then she introduced me to a lot more student whom all in the same boat. We learned to take care of each other when the needed time came. We're also spending time laughing in a 24-hour tavern 'til morning or studying (when it's exam week lol), I am truly grateful for them. Anyway, living in a boarding house can be peaceful too since there's no traffic jam on our dictionary.

The second time of me stepping out of my comfort zone is learning in social sciences environment. In high school, I was a natural science student and that made me have a little clue of what social science is. The lessons are very critical to the social situation in our everyday life and around us. I was a bit aghast with the four pages essay writing as a final exam. Thankfully, time made me get used to handwrite that freaking essay. In the same environment, I decided to join an organization in my faculty, Student Executive Board. It is the first time I joined an organization and surprisingly I never regret it. Not to be a hypocrite, I admit the first time assigned as a staff in an organization is hella hard. Time management is needed, commitment is needed, and the need list is still going on and on. Yet the effort is worth the thrilling experience that I've never got before. Not only experience working in a group of people, but also the lesson that it taught me; how to be a good leader, how to talk to a lot of people, how to make a discussion, and the lesson list is still going on and on too. I'm currently still serving as a staff in the department of science and wish me luck on the next semester. It will be more hectic than before because every project is on. Nevertheless, I believe it will be one hell of a fun ride.

Other than joining an organization this year, I also joined the committee in the faculty or department event which made me do crazy things. What I mean by crazy is doing the things I never knew I could do, like performing in a band as an opening of a big art event, making a teaser trailer to every student in Jakarta and its surrounding to watch, designing with a software that I never knew I had in my laptop, playing violin in an orchestra. Tiring is a fact, mindblowing is the larger picture. You never knew what you're capable of before you push yourself to the limit and out of your comfort zone. It will not be comfortable, as you can see; the fear of not being good enough for the job, the pumping chest caused by excitement or nervousness, not experienced enough to do the job. Ultimately, the sweet and sour of it will be a blessing in disguise. However, you must know your limit too. I don't suggest that you do all of this without a bit of relaxation. I support relaxation or me time in between. Our mental health are requiring your time hanging out with family or friends and about. Or just having a me time that we're doing nothing but pampering ourselves.

Speaking of friends, undoubtedly, new area equals new acquaintances. I met a lot of people with a lot of perspectives. That variety of perspectives will make us see things with an open mind. So, this year I learned to be more open to people, to every possibility that I have towards the person I met. Citing slightly from existentialism that it's not about what the relationship is but more about what we both develop through it that matters. I also learned not to expect too much from a guy, rather than being brokenhearted for a piece of dust. The irony, a guy who out of the blue made me questioning it again came into sight and then became my boyfriend, like a serendipity. Our journey, as well as the relationship in general, is a rollercoaster ride. I'm also still working on my trust issues (since an INFJ kinda has that problem). But what every bump that we get delivers are lessons that we can reflect, inspired, or even cherish to. Likewise the case with my close friends.

Like what I cautioned above, it was all not easy at first. Disappointment, sadness, fear, depression, were like the seasonings to my first dish. Yet the dish turned out to be delicious at last. What I want to recall about friendship too, having people that have your back is nice and calming, but you must know that eventually there's no one better we can rely on other than ourselves. We are the one who fights the battle of challenges with the support of others. In the end stepping out of my comfort zone, which I often repeated in this post, has made me get to know myself more. That after a while this will make me braver and believe in myself to get back up in every challenge ahead. Quoting from Tyrion Lannister on Game of Thrones, "Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you". And I hope you will find that armor and have the courage to get off your butt to do all the same too.

The Heaven

6/29/2016 09:59:00 PM
Dear Zeus,

Oh, the poor bird!
Staring blatantly at my neat face.
If only I knew it was you in disguise.
I'd spurned you without mercy.

Why, glance at your women, darling.
Don't forget to give them a wink.
How would you get my trust,
even after the diapason called me yours?

Seventh heaven, you say?
Take away your bolt and pseudo-love.
For all the love you will get,
is the one from your dearest sister.


--Unlike Mythology: A Letter

The Pond

6/25/2016 12:38:00 AM
Narcissus was supposed to be in love with the pond. The pond is clear as crystal. It reflects every piece of things above the pond vividly. Every thought and emotion that Narcissus adores was reflected through it. Every splash that blurs Narcissus' imperfection was supposed to be praised. The calmness of the pond was supposed to be fond of. And time went by as Narcissus daydreaming of the reflection on the pond.

However, not so far beside Narcissus there is this river. The river is surrounded by pine trees that echoes Narcissus' voice. Narcissus came by and fell in love with the echo within the river, instead. You can't see the river due to its foul and dark water, the reflection wasn't very clear either. The splash on the river is harsh that almost endangered Narcissus' life.

"It's exactly what I needed," Narcissus said.

The river may not be as flawless as the pond, not as brilliant as the pond, but the river can give what Narcissus wants and needs. Narcissus won’t be alone because there’s echo that accompanies wherever Narcissus is in the river zone. The hype from avoiding the hazardous splash intrigued Narcissus. And the blurred reflection from the river can make Narcissus trying to improve.

Yet from across the pine trees, Narcissus saw, that the river can be impeccably beautiful too.

—Unlike Mythology: Narcissus


The Sun

6/22/2016 11:42:00 PM
Please, don't be the sun.
For my life to orbit and revolve through it.
For apocalypse to happen when it's gone,
and left me just a lump of dust for history class in the next world.

Don't be the sun.
When I could be blind when its light doesn't highlight me.
When I'm on rage when it highlights something else instead,
and left me questioned whether I had my eyes open or shut.

Be the moon.
For my life has its own orbit.
When we highlight each other for the better sight,
that would make anything clear as crystal.

How to transform the brightest sun into moon.
Should I googling it or asking God.
For which I didn't know the answer due to its bright.
But I keep tampering myself that I did.

-- Moon & Sun

Earth to Bella

6/17/2016 02:08:00 PM

The title is inspired by Incubus's song with the same name, which I've been currently hyped since last month. Earth to someone is an idiom means of getting back the attention of someone who has not been the focus or concentrates like daydreaming or spacing out. As if one were on the earth, trying to contact someone in a spaceship. The implication is that the person being addressed is spacy. Then, earth to Bella means; Hello Bella, are you listening?

If it's a yes, then Bella have been snapped back to reality and listen or see what she should have been listened or seen an eternity ago. Because what she saw back then was just a shadow.

Like the allegory of the cave by Plato, people have been trapped from childhood in a dark cave. There was only fire there and walkway with a low wall, which behind it lies people with the other living things. They only saw what the shadow projected upon the cave wall in front of them. The sounds of the people talking echoed off the shadowed wall, and the people believed these sounds come from the shadows too. Until one of them freed from the cave and blinded by the blaze of the sun. Gradually he saw what the people, water, animal actually is, not just a shadow back then.

Sometimes I feel what I've seen only a shadow, sometimes not. It's also because I don't have the knowledge of a thing or two that makes me question it. And that motivated me to explore about everything in general, to get a glance at the real world, and to experience new things that will eventually have an essence. Like doing things that I've never done, learning new things every holiday, and listening more than just hearing. Because deep down one thing we all can agree: there's more the world than meets the eye.


5/03/2016 04:26:00 PM

Deras luberan gelas penuhmu tidak terdengar oleh siapapun tapi aku dan dia. Suara tuangan gelasmu ke gelasnya membuat mata tak berkedip, membandingkannya dengan ruang kosong di gelasku. Dan tumpahannya tidak terlihat oleh kepala manusia-manusia asing. 

Berat hati kumenilik gelasnya yang penuh rona dan nirmala. Membuatmu enggan menganggap gelasku yang dengan jerih payah kuhias agar tak semu. Percuma saja gelas itu berada dalam genggaman.

Tempat sampah menganga meneteskan liurnya akan gelasku, yang selalu terjajar di sebelah gelasmu. Tak terbatasi namun tak terjamu, kecuali setetes yang kau tuangkan oleh pintaku.

Penat melihat gelasku yang perlahan penuh. Bukan atas kemauanmu yang teduh, namun denganku dan yang lain berisikan jenuh yang akhirnya membuat gelasku tak berutuh.

Pecahkan saja gelasnya, agar suaranya memekakkan telingamu. Belingnya terinjak olehmu. Dan fatamorgananya muncul saat terik menyengat kulitmu, keringat memedihkan matamu, dahaga mencekik lehermu. Nasi sudah menjadi bubur baru kau ingin menuangkan ke gelas itu.


(Depok, 3 Mei 2016)


5/02/2016 12:57:00 AM

Ratusan malam telah kujumpa purnama
namun tak sebersit bintang pun ada
dalam kesunyian asa ini berlabu
sejak terakhir matamu bukan lagi bayang semu.

Langit itu hampa
mengikuti egoku yang tak bersuara
'tuk mengakui penyesalanku seenaknya
melepaskanmu enyah begitu saja.

Izinkan aku terpejam malam ini
terangan ingin bermimpi
melihat eloknya simpul bibir mentari
saat aku bisa memilikimu sekali lagi.


(Jakarta, 2 Mei 2016)

((Post-AADC 2 here))


4/30/2016 10:37:00 AM

The feeling of a sword embedded at your heart,
has made you begging for King Arthur to pull it out.
With blood streamed swiftly until it’s drained.
As you gasped for air due to pain.
And you cried no more when you died.

You were buried
in the deep deep rain.
A flower grew upon you.
One by one emerged 'til a garden showed its face. 
And other people smile seeing what became of it.

-- Inspiration

(Depok, April 30th 2016)

Fangirling is Nice

4/24/2016 02:21:00 AM
People often see fangirls as somewhat annoying people who were crazed over someone famous. They screamed over a boyband or someone so handsome that I'll cut my vein handsome and watch their concert every single time. Well, we are actually just a bunch of people who have an admiration for someone or something that we thought is fascinating. Excessive fangirling may be turned into an unhealthy obsession that can be scary yet fangirling itself has some bright sides too from my experience (caution: this is going to be a long post).

Fangirling is the one who taught me how to write. I'll explain it by giving you a glimpse of my first period of fangirling in a community. In my junior high school years, I'm in love with a musical theatre group consists of a bunch of theatre student from University of Michigan called Team Starkid. They are the one who produced A Very Potter Musical that is available on YouTube. The show is very witty and creative, you can watch it for yourself. Although the casts are talented and popular, they are very down to earth. My favorite cast is Joe Walker, because who doesn't pine over a shirtless Voldemort. And the soundtrack which is written by Darren Criss can get stuck in your head for months. 

They produced one show a year and I watched it every day until I felt it was not enough. Then, I began to read fanfiction about Team Starkid and their shows too. Until one day, I was inspired to write one. You know when you're in admiration with someone or something you often build a whole scenario of what-could-be on your head. So, I wrote a fanfiction about the relationship between a theatre student named Dianna who has a troubled past and Joe Walker. It's a romance slash musical fanfiction because I added musical numbers and references in between. Turned out it's such a disaster. 

I'm still in junior high school and what to expect of my freaking grammar. I decided to hire someone to proofread my dumb fanfiction without any fee. Fortunately, I was active in Team StarKid community as the admin of Team StarKid Indonesia and I met this girl from Scotland that I used to fangirl with. I asked her to proofread my fanfiction and add some ideas. Then, my story was published and surprisingly it had a lot of reviews and follower begging for more chapter. They thought the story was very good and spicy that they couldn't put it down. I was so energized by the comment of people who were excited to read what I write. I was flattered 'til today I read back the story and damn what the hell was that. Mary Sue here and there, Gary Sue everywhere too, I'm shocked how this story can get that much attention.

It's a turning point for me, writing a fanfiction. I was so excited in learning to improve my writing because fanfiction demanded me to write better, to read as a writer and to find my own voice as a narrator. It's not an easy thing to do, I admit, but still, it's like a writing exercise but in a lot more fun way. Not so long ago, I repented by writing a better story about my favorite couple from Once Upon a Time--a TV show about fairytale characters trapped in an enchanted town--Emma Swan and Captain Hook. You know, as a fan, we have a lot of fan theory about their relationship journey. I adapted their story with the original creepy The Snow Queen story, the eerie truth about Neverland, hire a beta-reader to proofread my story, I was so convinced that this story was going to be a hit. Yet the reviewer never got more than twenty like my old fanfiction. Then life happened and the stories are unfinished 'til now.

Other than making me more excited about writing, fangirling also boosted me to read. To write a story, we must do a research to avoid the nonsense. I usually did my research reading related articles or stories. In the end, yes it was all based on our imagination, but still, I'm trying to write a real life here, right? So, research is a must sometimes. And to read another fanfiction too because a one-episode-a-week show is just not enough.

Fangirling taught me how to design by making fan pic. In my high school years, I was active in Tumblr community. I reblog fandom-related or minimal fashion related. Until one day I realized I wasn't productive doing this and decided to make some designs about my fandoms (basically Doctor Who, Game of Thrones, Sherlock, Twin Peaks, and many more). I asked my high school friend turned university friend, Gladyz, to teach me how to make the famous Tumblr gif with photoshop. Then I learned to design a poster with photoshop by tutorials on Tumblr too. People reblogged and loved my works and again, it has made me excited to make more of them. My most liked work is a gif quoting the Dread Pirate Roberts from a cult classic film, The Princess Bride, which got more than 10.000 reblogs and likes. And then, reality happened and I'm not that active in Tumblr community again.

Fangirling also taught me how to edit a video or in fandom called vidding. Remember those days when I was so in desperate need to see Captain Hook and Emma Swan's lips locked together on screen, or just to see their swoony eyes gazed at each other which didn't freaking happened on Once Upon a Time 'til  season *spoiler*. In the meantime, I liked to watch their interaction put in somewhat order according to a song that was related to their story called fanvids. While watching them, I got a lot of idea on how I'd like to watch fanvid as a fan. Then I decided to make one using Sony Vegas by putting their interactions that were cut from the episode together according to the story of a fitting song.
I used past tense in this post because it happened in the past, not because I used to be a fangirl. I don't know if I'm still an active fangirl or not, but what I know in the end is fangirling taught me to be creative; to create a work that no thousands of fangirls or fanboys ever created yet they also like, to get to know someone across the oceans and continents, to improve ourselves by learning and doing new things, to be in love with something with an open mind and open heart, that makes us sincere to do everything. 

What Are You

3/05/2016 01:08:00 AM
- Inquires.

What are you?
Like a gum chewed by a child,
yet popping out of my mind,
in need for seeing the gleam
of curved thing on your lips.

Who are you?
Risking to live in a continuum,
between safety and danger,
or I'm too dumb to function
and stay away from the peril.

Why are you here?
Analogous with myself,
walking in unison and line,
reasoning every same path,
then aghast with the twist and turn.

Just play the melody, Stranger,
I would listen than wander
Since this was all just inquiries,
not sins nor tragedies,
but merely inquiries.

(Depok, February 25th 2016)

- Answers.

I am a thought
that emerged from the corner of your cerebrum,
whose smile is nothing but a blessing view,
though the aim is not to you.

I am a person
who lives in a house of choice,
that I can take merely for what I want,
could then become the hazardous one.

I am an idea
which you invented inside of your mind,
walking in line but not in rhyme,
to the place with no tramline.

This is me singing instead,
not with the strains of songs nor melodies,
but with a series of performance,
answering your prudent inquiries
that I hope aren't what you called tragedies.

--Poemversation: unrequited

(Depok, March 1st 2016)

((This poemversation only happened on my head.
If only people spoke in poem and poetry.
The world could be a beautiful place.
But in a high context type of culture way.))

Bandung Book-hunt

3/05/2016 01:07:00 AM
Embrace yourself because the holiday is over and now back to reality. It has been two weeks since the semester break and I haven't written any holiday-oriented post. To mend my longing for a holiday, I'll write a post or two narrating what it was all about.

This time is about my secondhand book-hunt in Bandung. The true purpose actually was just visiting (and cleaning up) my apartment back in Cimbeuluit, Bandung with my parents, then serendipity happened. Just before a turn from my apartment, there was a tiny store with a board screamed for me. I looked it up from my car's window and the board says "Reading Lights: Secondhand Bookshop and Coffee Corner".

It is a tiny store in a far spot from the center of the city. I instantly fangirled for awhile and begged my parents to visit it. And that was the start of me searching more places like that in the little city which brought me to these:

1. Reading Lights
As you can see, Reading Lights is very cozy and warm, just like your grandmother's old house, but in a good way. I was finishing "Mr. Penumbra's 24-hour Bookstore" that time and somehow it reminded me of that book. I wish I was in a magical bookstore which holds the ultimate answer of the whole universe hayyahh, but no it isn't, thankfully. The book collection is pretty huge and in a perfect condition. I bought three secondhand-flawless books: Waiting for fo Godot by Irish writer, bazpierce's favorite, Samuel Beckett, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot by David Shafer, and Pygmalion by Bernard Shaw.

And the coffee corner, I bought hot Americano as usual, and guess what I saw next on the menu, Neil Gaiman Coffee. Unfortunately, the stock was empty that day. Take me there again and Iwe'll drink Neil Gaiman Coffee together for sure.

2. Kineruku
The hip place in Hegarmanah, Bandung with Instagram bio: "Library Book-Music-Film Shop Cafe", how can I resist? 

Kineruku has a big collection of book and edition, but unfortunately, you cannot buy them. It's basically like a library, you can only rental books. However, there's a limited amount of book that was available for buying. I bought a vintage article about Oscar Wilde's work, one of my favorite writer of all time and Banda Neira's album. Kineruku also has a comfy cafe spot where you can drink coffee while reading, having my time, finishing your work, or just catching up with friends.

Beside the store there is a vintage merchandise shop (photo one) which is very artsy, it's called "Garasi Opa". It sells display, decoration, and merchandise related to your mother or even your grandmother's year, yeah it is that vintage and interesting. 

3. Omuniuum
The last bookstore that I visit in Bandung, Omuniuum. It is also that close to my apartment and in a pretty strategic place in front of Parahyangan University. It is located on the second floor of Circle K. You'd never know there could be a place like this at the top of a minimarket, aye?

The book collection is not so big, it's only a few shelf beneath a wall like the photo. Probably because it focuses on selling Indie music album and its merchandise too. Yes, it is the place where a music god hang out and buy some CDs. I didn't buy anything from the bookstore, but I adore the music store so much.